I've been thinking very hard about this I'm not sure that I really ever wanted, to think about it all that much but Since we got talked into coming back to Texas , All we have seen here is lack and want, from our family and our prevailing thoughts have been about just that sort of short fall took everything we made and then some to pull our remaining family mom and mary from foreclosure. I felt that I really needed to look at why I was able to come back so easily. And why I decided to come back. I came back because I needed to lord my power over someone who truly deserved my scorn I.E. my family. (Being honest hurts) but remember they branded me as an outcast as a child, because of the day I was born on and the fact I can't eat certain foods. This made me hate religion. and scornful of the church. Add to that I was never part of the "in" crowd and you see why I hated them too. I saved the ranch in Star by buying the note and declaring it paid in full, as much as I hated the place I kept it. because it was my brother's inheritance . I couldn't let him have it. So buying the note I stole it from him and then declared adverse possession over it to keep him from getting it by inheritance. All this cost me financially because I am black listed in this area. Did I do it for spite? Yes, I did! Have I any regrets? Not really I'm proud of what I did for the most part and none of it broke the law. When I did these things I felt like I won another prize. because I took away from those who hurt me and gave other nephilites a place to hide from the B.F.D.C. Who have fallen way out of favor with the religious cult crowds. The brand mark on my arm is just as if I have a prison tat, or a tribal marking. I never thought anything I did made any difference to any one else. I was cleaning out a closet recently.
When I found out that my mom kept my show ribbons, and other stuff I thought my dad had gotten rid of . I realized I had one parent on my side. I thought my dad would have burned all my show ribbons and trophies from school because it made my brother, look like an idiot. Remember I am a Nephilite, So I had to become a winner over my siblings because it gave me an advantage I felt better about myself. I was the big champion despite the two labels on my name. one from the B.F.D.C. the other from the school system. Neither complimentary, neither made me feel good. I didn't want to own either label. So I had to be better than any of the other kids. I competed in everything. from chores to grades to sports and what ever else. I won intellectual awards as well as the horse shows and barrel races away from that little punk here or the brat over there. in a steady and constant show of how little status their high birth really was. I hate men because of the way boys hated me. There fore I couldn't let any one have a state title or any other championship I could prevent them from getting. everything was out of hate for boys and by default men. Even the gang had to go because they were brats and I hated them. They killed my horse so I killed their gang, effectually by getting the law after them.
It made me look like an angel, to show how bad the other brats were. WOW! Big admissions, I guess I needed to get this stuff into the open and be honest with my self. But I never really thought about why I came back and began Helping my family until now, because I didn't want to face the real reasons behind it.
funny how when you begin looking for your center you have to wade through the muck and mire of your life But that's how it is. I came back to say I beat you again bro. that was the only reason. WOW! I never saw my self as dark before, but I find out that yeah I have a very nasty dark side. This means a lot of things must be rethought. How should I handle this? I don't think I should base any rush decisions on the basis of a few scraps of cloth or a few trophies, but I had such a hate complex in my past it has to be affecting my life now, with all the consequences I've gotten.
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